October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This month is to bring awareness by supporting research and development to reduce the number of lives lost. This month is also for remembrance by providing resources to grieving families and information to others on how to support them.
Dealing with death in the family is never easy. The death of a baby, either through miscarriage or during infancy, is no exception. There are no instructions on how to grieve the loss of a child. A number of feelings will be experienced. It’s important to make sure you allow yourself as much time necessary to recover from the grieving process. Healing time between family members will vary, but eventually, you will find peace again.
While there is no remedy or formula to grieve, the most important thing to do is to give yourself time to grieve. This comes differently to everyone.
Coping with Grief
There are support groups available. Many find comfort in knowing there are others going through the same emotions as you. Many parents blame themselves when they lose a child. A good support group will guide you to come to terms with the loss and hopefully help you realize you are not to blame. You need to open up about what you are experiencing. Talking about your emotions with your partner, a friend, a counselor or spiritual leader will help you make sense of your loss. You don’t have to face this loss alone.
While grieving, you may experience fatigue, trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, loss of appetite, among other things. That’s why it’s so important to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Eat healthy. Get enough rest. Get some fresh air. A healthy body often means a healthy mind. Part of healing is taking care of yourself and learning to refocus.
Family and Friends
As loving family and friends, what can we say to a grieving parent after the loss of their baby? How can you give gentle support? Simple gestures are often the best and most meaningful. Here are a couple tips from the Star Legacy Foundation on how family and friends can help:
- Be present
- Say “I’m sorry”
- Acknowledge them as parents. This is particularly difficult for families who do not have other living children. They are parents and should be supported accordingly.
- Remember the father. Mothers often receive the majority of the concern, but fathers grieve too and appreciate their grief being acknowledged. Fathers tend to be strong for the mother and may not feel they have permission to grieve themselves.
- Support their decisions. There are many new decisions that need to be made regarding medical care, testing, cremation or burial arrangements, memorial services, cultural or religious ceremonies, what do with baby’s things, and more. It may be appropriate to help the parents carry out these decisions, but do not judge what they have chosen. Each family must decide what is best for them in the moment.
- Avoid statements that minimize their emotions or tell them how to feel.
- Don’t push them to participate in activities you think may be helpful. Being around babies, attending baby showers, participating in family celebrations, and similar activities may be too much for them for quite some time.
- If you don’t know what to say, tell them that. The honesty that this can’t be easily fixed is validating and indicates you respect the family’s emotions.
While October is awareness month, remember bereaved parents throughout the year. Call, send a card, or offer to spend time with them on milestone days. The pain does not end with the delivery or memorial services. As the parents dreamt about this baby, they also dreamt about sharing special moments as a family.